Relationship

"Personally I believe a person need to make themselves whole first in terms of social life, finance, career and maturity, then they're in the right state of mind to decide if they're ready for a relationship.

Most people jump in a relationship hoping to find that one person to make them whole, hence when the fog is lifted the disappointment starts to sink in. Most people can't cherish their partners because they didn't fix the issues with themselves to begin with.

If you constantly can't live with your own skin, what makes you think you can manage another person in your life? Constantly needing to receive validation from others signals that you're insecure about yourself to begin with" - anonymous,2013.

2012 in memory

Assalamualaikum...

Dah nak habis bulan Januari 2013,baru la aku nak tulis post ni. Uhuks. Saja sekadar nak cukup syarat,nak mengimbau kembali kenangan2 dan pencapaian2 sepanjang 2012. *ade keeee?* haha

Takde ape pun perkembangan drastik dalam hidup aku. Status masih bujang. *forever bujang :( * Masih lagi setia dengan Silterra. Masih lagi tiada smartphone. Masih lagi same old baishatul. Social life lagi la tak berkembang :(

Bab pekerjaan, masih belum tau lagi sebab review dlm bulan 3 nanti. Tapi awal tahun 2012, bos bagi kejutan. Aku ingatkan performance aku so-so je. Tapi dia cakap i am one of the best. So he gave me "high performance" during my last review. Alhamdulillah. Tapi itu review untuk 2011. 2012 belum tahu. From my own observations, most of my projects completed. And i've been transferred to new process (which i'm still learning and exploring) and i must say i enjoy this new experience. Tapi this new process mcm not much issue like my last process. So no big improvement project needed. So far ada dua projects which require a lot of evaluations and testings. It's ok. I think i can handle that. My last boss has been promoted to be our Head Of Department, so our super senior engineer,has become my new boss. Both of them are good friends but with different personalities. One is down to earth type, less talking more working, has systematic working style, and very soft spoken. The other one is genius but talk too much. More outgoing but a bit 'cakap besar' type. I must say that my respect goes to the first one maybe because i used to work with the second one since the first day i'm at Silterra so feels like he is one of my colleague,not my boss. The later one is my current boss indeed. @_@ And lately i always express my unsatisfactory to him. Haha. Rebellious baishatul :P

So, on 2012 few of my friends get married. Ok tak ingat sape sebab ramai sgt and confused dengan taun 2011 punya wedding ceremony but the closest one is Syamira. Happy for you. Kurangkan membebel tau. Haha. And i believe more and more of my friends will be get married on this year (2013). Dont ask about me. I dont even sure about my life plan. Sad, but that's the truth. Kalau ikutkan my initial life plan,which i did when i was 17, the ideal age for me to get married is when i'm 26. But Allah knows best. :) I dont want to question that. But i always pray supaya Allah dekatkan my jodoh,supaya hubungan yang masih tidak halal ini cepat2 jadi halal, supaya aku tidak menanggung lebih banyak dosa dengan meneruskan hubungan ni. I've been waiting for too long, and i'm not sure how much longer should i wait. Yes,i have options. I can simply end this relationship and looking forward to more barakah relationship, but i guess my iman is still too weak. I dont dare to do that :( Ampunkan aku ya Allah :'(

At the end of 2012 which is on 12/12/12 to be exact, dapat anak sedara! syukur Alhamdulillah. It's a boy, and i'm sure my brother will shape him to be like him. Marvel Superhero freak. Haha. Tak sampai 2 minggu budak tu lahir dah suruh pakai baju Superman -_-'

Anyway, as for 2013, i'm thinking of changing my lifestyle. I'm 25 this year, and should be more mature, more independent, stronger heart and improve my ibadah. There is something that i always wanted to do, but hesitate for no reason even though it's a must for muslimah and alhamdulillah i've started to do that now. Hopefully i will istiqamah in doing that till the day i die :)

So, i wish happy 2013 to everyone, improve ourselves, improve our ibadah, improve our iman and be closer to Allah. In shaa Allah. And please pray for me as well :) And here i share my nephew's picture with his superman shirt :)


,

Perubahan

Assalamualaikum dan selamat sejahtera :D

Lama betoi tak rage kat sini.haha. Either takde idea or no special occasion to tell or story about. Yeah,i have such a bored life,i know. But i dont even feel bad, because that's me. I love to be alone and do my own things. Some might say i'm the "forever alone girl", but like i care. Dont judge me if you dont even know me.

But what hurts me the most when someone expect me to change. To be like everybody else. Trust me, i have done everything i can to change myself,but to no avail. I am still me. This is me. This is how i walk my life. I might not have many friends like you do, but all friends that i have right now,are true friends. I might always give bad first impression to everyone that i just met, but trust me. They always ended well. I might look introvert, always have "socially awkward" situation, but once i knew you well, i will treasure you like there is no tomorrow (wah,propa sgt ke?) So please, dont expect me to be like someobody else, because that simply means you dont accept me as i am. And i dont think this will end well for us.

Takziah

Yesterday i was surprised by a news from my friend. Abbas's mother passed away. I was really shocked. Sebab baru malam tu aku chat gelak2 dgn Abbas kat FB mcm selalu. Actually that was our first chat after they went to cameron highland. Aku sengaja taknak sembang dgn dia sbb jealous tgk diorg seronok holiday sana. Aku ego kan diri tak tegur Abbas. Aku sepatutnya tegur dia lama dah, boleh aku tau dia ada masalah ke ape ke. Tapi instead, dia yg tegur aku semalam and macam biasa mesti tanya aku ok ke tak. Abbas selalu tanya pasal keadaan aku, dia la satu2nya yg selalu ambik tau pasal aku. Dia cite pasal kaktus dia budding, pasal ikan dia dua ekor betina, pasal cite charmed,pasal henset die, then tibe2 aku terpaksa keluar FB sbb ade keje. Abbas kate dia nk main FB sampai tertido. :')

Bila dpt sms dari Syaz semalam,aku terkejut gile. Aku tak tahan, terus pegi surau menangis. Aku menangis sebab aku tau Abbas mesti tengah sedih gile. Aku menangis sebab aku menyesal tak tanya khabar die selama 3 minggu. Aku selalu dapat baca apa yg Abbas rasa and fikir and i literally can feel how he feels right now. We were connected by heart. Selalu kalau aku sedih,mesti Abbas tibe2 muncul and tanya "kau ok ker bye?" walaupun aku tak cakap or tunjuk ape2 pun. Aku harap sangat2 Abbas dapat tabah dan kuatkan semangat,aku tau die boleh. Abbas yg aku kenal sgt kuat smgt die. Tak pernah putus asa. Malah dia lah salah satu sebab aku dapat lalui hari2 aku kat UTM dulu. I can tell him everything and he's always willing to hear.

Abbas,kalau dulu kau selalu dengar ape aku membebel, ape aku luahkan, ape aku persoalkan, kali ni aku nak kau bagi peluang kat aku untuk buat benda yang sama kat kau. Aku harap aku dapat ringankan ape yg kau rasa. Kalau la boleh, nak je aku drive pegi kelantan. Tapi aku tak mampu :( Aku hanya dapat doakan semoga arwah di tempatkan dgn orang2 beriman dan kau and family tabah harungi semua ni. When you are ready to talk and need someone to talk to, call me,sms me,inbox my FB, tweet me, i'll be there for you. Aku nak jadi sahabat kau di saat gembira dan sedih. Aku anggap kau dah mcm keluarga aku sendiri. Dengan kau je yang aku betul2 jadi diri sendiri. I may not good with words, but i can share the feelings with you. Be strong :')



Al-Fatihah

Older and matured?

Hi my followers! (ayat abbas) haha. Rasa nak sepuk je. Anyway, hari ni aku nak menaip panjang2 lagi (as usual) sebab benda yang terbuku lama2 kena salurkan jugak sedikit banyak sebab nanti aku jadi gila. Aku rasa tekanan darah pun dah makin naik. Uuuuu~what ever.

Oklah,apa yang aku maksudkan dengan older and matured tu sbb merujuk kepada perihal diri aku. Bajet dah matured ke bye? Haha. Takdelah,aku macam terasa perubahan diri aku. Sekarang ni aku dah tak minat nk melayan benda2 yg tak berkaitan dengan kerja or family aku. Obviously aku letakkan family aku first, and second is my work as my life priority. Workaholic much? (Wuekk!) Haha. Sekarang ni malas nak fikir benda2 yang boleh mengganggu jiwa dan raga aku. Malas nak berjiwang2. Tak berminat. Taktau sebab apa. Adakah sebab dah semakin meninggalkan zaman remaja? Kadang2 aku terfikir jugak,maybe sebab aku melibatkan diri aku kat dunia industri terlalu awal sehingga terpaksa melupakan zaman remaja aku? Maybe~ Oh,yang menyebabkan aku rasa tekanan mcm aku mention kat first paragraph tu of course related to work. Tapi malas nak whining2 kat twitter/fb/whatsoever-social-network sbb for me,hanya budak2 je yang buat public whining2 ni. Hahahahahaha. Gelak lebih sikit. Butthurt? Please do.

Yang aku paling pantang dengan perangai manusia ni adalah terlalu suka judge orang based on their rough view. Contohnya mcm orang tu berehat2 time weekend, tido sepanjang hari time weekend,mula la kata, " Ala,ko boleh la.Tido je sepanjang hari.Takde byk keje macam aku". Urgh. Padahal si polan tu kerja siang malam time weekdays, and the only time he/she can rest is on weekend. Haih. Too many typical mind people in this world. I cant take it anymore. Bagi dia, dia je la yang banyak kerja. Dia je la yang sibuk. (Tangan aku dah ringan je ni nk tampar orang). Marah sangat kan bunyi nye aku ni? Haha. Sabar2 bye. Bulan Ramadhan ni. Aku kalau orang sentuh perihal kerja aku or judge/complain ke ape, aku rasa mcm suis kemarahan aku di turn on kan. (amboih,rojak tak ingat). Kau taktau kerja aku mcm mana,kau nak judge2. Cuba kalau aku lempar ko buat kerja aku, confirm ko takleh terima. Too much pressure. Pressure from the bosses, pressure from the issues, pressure from the cycle time, pressure there,pressure here. Ok,stop. Malas nak cerita. That's why i dont prefer to hear people talking about their work load once i got back from my office. I try to make my mind in peace from anything related to work,even from other people because anytime/anywhere je otak aku ni kena fikir pasal kerja once received alert from people in the line. I have to treasure each moment free from work whenever i can. Kadang2 baru je nak pejam mata nak tido, dapat SMS blablabla. Dan2 je kena bukak laptop buat kerja. So,yeah. Please find anyone else if you want to whine about your workload.

Aku sendiri susah nak meluahkan perasaan aku everytime i have problems or i'm too much under pressure. Sebab kadang2 comment diorg tak membantu malah membebankan lagi. So far, the only person i can easily tell him everything in my mind (apart from my sibling) is my bestfriend (You know who you are) He is the only non-typical mindset person i've ever know and he is more or less have similar personality with me. Tapi takde la each time nak cite kat die kan sbb aku mmg jenis tak suka nak memuntahkan masalah aku. Haha. Tapi sejak akhir2 ni dah jarang sembang. Dia dah besar,aku kena melepaskan dia pergi hidup dalam dunia pilihan dia (bunyi mcm anak sendiri.haha)


Anyway people,my advice is please please and please dont judge people too much. Stop whining, start doing work, and make improvement. Till then!





p/s :My blog has becoming more and more like personal diary. Haha. I dont care. That's what a blog should be.

sedikit titipan

Agaknya nuffnang ni sayang aku kot. Berbulan2 tak update pun still diorg kasi BE kat aku. Terpaksalah update nak menunjukkan tanda terima kasih tu. Uhuk.

Oklah,nak cite ape nih. Herm,takde benda menarik berlaku. Jom bincang perihal perasaan nak? What should i do if the feeling is not there anymore? It's not that the feeling just suddenly disappear, maybe it's because of the stagnant environment and situation. And today, i randomly stumble upon this article :


"I just recently got dumped by my ex girlfriend because she said that her feelings has changed and is not the same. We was together for 5.5 years and saw her as the one I want to spend the rest of my life with... She also said the reason she dumped me because I took her patience for granted and that I got too comfortable in the relationship and felt like I have all the time in the world... She wanted everything from me, marriage and kids the whole nine. She also feel like that I will never change my ways and will always be me. That she bent over backwards for me and never did anything for her. Which is not completely true. I was there for her, love and cared for her. She also think that I'm selfish because I never gave her what she wanted, during the time she wanted it ( Proposal, marriage, and kids).. I just felt like I wasn't financially and emotionally ready. I told her that, and also told her that I never doubted her. That I wanted to marry her, I just needed some time... But I guess she lost her patience and gave up on waiting for it. We been having this issue for about 6 months and tried to work on it. It came to a point now where she finally dumping me, she said that she still loves me, but her feelings has changed, there's no more spark and she's not happy with the relationship.

Last night we had a talk, she pretty much told me the same thing, that she can't do us RIGHT NOW multiple times... Why is she saying right now? When she's dumping me. When she should be saying she can't do us anymore period.. So I just told her that I didn't want it to end this way and this is not what I want. I told her that I would still love to marry her and give her what she wants. I told her I'm sorry for the things I've done and that it didn't work out between us. Also said that I hope she can find someone who will make her happy.

My feelings is like a roller coaster... I don't want to lose her and still want to be her and make things work. But after realizing the things she said, I feel like it's not my choice anymore and there's nothing I can say or do that could change her mind.. I'm hurt, angry, and confused... I don't know how to feel.

Is it possible that maybe she just needs some time to figure out what she really wants or how she feels... Or from the things she said, is it pretty much clear that she don't want to be with me anymore...

I've been reading a lot of article about girlfriends dumping their boyfriend almost for the same reason of feelings not being the same and being unhappy but later on them finding out that they felt like they made a mistake and really love that person.


Please I need some feed back... I need some advice on how take these and what to do from here...

Thanks I appreciate it..."




and based on the responses, i think this one is the best :



"You don't marry someone when times are good. You marry because you love each other, because no matter what happens, either losing all your money or becoming rich, you will always have each other. She obviously wanted to stand next to you through your tough times.

Saying you don't want to get married because you're not financially stable, to me, is just another excuse.

I think you lost her... "



what do you think?

My past is still hunting me

Assalamualaikum dan selamat sejahtera.
Dah agak lama aku tak menaip disini. Hajat di hati nak post bila ada event2 or benda2 special terjadi,tapi sebab takde makanya senyap sunyi lah blog ku ini. Nampak agak pathetic tapi life has to go on. Hari ni aku tergerak hati nak bercerita tentang masa lampau aku. Dalam buku kehidupan aku ni,macam2 perkara telah aku lalui sehingga benar2 menguji mental dan fizikal aku. Malah perkara2 inilah yang telah membentuk jati diri dan gaya hidup aku sekarang. Terlalu banyak cerita tapi apa yang aku nk coretkan disini adalah tentang persahabatan.

Aku tak tau orang2 disekeliling aku sedar atau tidak yang bahawasanya aku tak punya ramai kawan. Aku benar2 memilih kawan lebih2 lagi sahabat. Aku juga agak kekok untuk bersahabat rapat dengan perempuan. Kenapa? Inilah yang akan aku rungkaikan pada hari ini.


Dari sekolah rendah hinggalah ke tingkatan 3, aku sentiasa diiringi dengan kawan2 perempuan yang amat rapat dengan aku atau nama lain nya geng. Masa sekolah rendah, aku bersama2 3 lagi sahabat aku memang terkenal di sekolah. Kami berempat sama2 cemerlang di bidang masing2. Contohnya F, cemerlang dalam sukan, U cemerlang sukan dan pelajaran manakala aku dan T sama2 cemerlang dalam pelajaran. Tapi bila masuk sekolah menengah,masing2 masuk asrama hubungan kami semakin lama semakin renggang hinggalah tidak berhubungan langsung sehingga skrg ditambah dgn ada yang dah berpindah ke tempat lain. Di menengah rendah, aku belajar di MRSM Lenggong. Aku merupakan batch pertama. Disinilah berlaku episod hitam dalam hidup aku. Aku sangat2 rapat dgn 2 orang roommate ku dan 2 orang classmate ku. Aku namakan mereka disini sbg Y,H,Z dan S. Ke mana sahaja kami mesti bersama. Aku dah anggap mereka seperti keluarga aku sendiri. Dengan mereka lah aku belajar tido sekatil, bergaduh guling2 (bukan gaduh betul2), berpeluk sesama kami malah banyak lagi perkara yang merapatkan hubungan kami. Tapi aku akui tatkala itu umur aku yang masih muda maka banyak kekurangan dalam diri aku. Aku seringkali terlepas cakap sehingga melukakan hati mereka. Aku selalu begitu bila terlalu seronok atau bergurau lebih-lebihan. Banyak kali aku cuba ingatkan diri aku supaya jaga percakapan dan perlakuan aku. Mungkin bagi aku bila dah terlalu rapat,semua gurauan tu dapat diterima mereka. Mungkin juga disebabkan aku yang di lahirkan dalam keluarga yang ramai lelaki menyebabkan gurauan aku sedikit kasar.

Sehinggalah pada suatu malam, aku yang sedang tidur dikejutkan oleh Z secara tiba2. Dalam keadaan mamai, aku dapat lihat Y pun turut dikejutkan (Y adalah salah seorang classmate yg aku sebutkan td,cuma mlm tu dia tidur di bilik ku). Y yang agak liat bangun lalu dikejutkan dgn agak kasar oleh S. Terpinga2 aku. Lalu kami berdua disuruh ke bilik lagi satu. Aku lihat turut ada dalam bilik tu adalah H. Rupa2nya malam itu merupakan "judgment night" utk aku dan Y. Macam2 luahan tidak puas hati dan amarah dilemparkan kepada kami berdua. Masih lagi terngiang2 di telinga aku suara2 tinggi mereka dan hentakan2 mereka. Aku tak sangka sampai begitu skali mereka memendam rasa pada aku. Dan aku amat terkejut sekali yang roommate yang aku anggap seperti sebahagian dari hidup aku turut sama menghukum aku. Memang tiada sebarang physical contact berlaku, tapi bagi aku mental abuse is much more worst than physical abuse. Sebab kesannya masih aku rasa sehingga sekarang. Mungkin mental condition aku sendiri yg kurang stabil hingga tak dapat melupakan semua yang berlaku. Dan ingin aku tekankan disini bahawa, semangat aku sememangnya sangat2 lemah jika dimarahi tau ditengking oleh sesiapa. Banyak lagi perkara yang berlaku di MRSM Lenggong,tapi aku rasa biarlah itu tersimpan dalam lipatan sejarah aku.


Sejak hari itu, aku takut nak berkawan rapat dengan sesiapa pun lebih2 lagi perempuan sebab aku ragu2 yang mereka dapat terima cara dan perlakuan aku. Tiap kali bercakap dengan rakan perempuan, aku terpaksa berlakon. Berhati2 dengan gaya bahasa aku, dan kadang2 sehingga aku sendiri rasa kekok untuk bercakap. Malah,aku lebih gemar mengelak dari bertembung dengan mereka. Tingkatan 4 aku berpindah dari MRSM Lenggong ke MRSM Taiping. Sejak itu aku tiada lagi rakan2 rapat yang ke mana sahaja bersama aku. Aku lebih suka seorang diri. Tapi aku juga gembira berkawan dgn rakan2 sekelas aku. Sangat2 gembira. Kegembiraan aku hanyalah di kelas. Balik ke dorm, aku menjadi diri aku yang asal. Sikap menyendiri ini berlanjutan sehingga ke UTM. Pernah suatu masa aku menangis sebab benci dgn diri aku yg susah nk berkawan dgn orang. Aku rasa sunyi. Tapi alhamdulillah, as time goes by, aku dapat merawat sedikit sebanyak luka di hati aku dengan kehadiran mereka2 yang aku sayang (Abbas, Kerol, Emma,Min) Walaupun bukanlah 24/7 aku dgn mereka,tapi mereka dapat terima aku seadanya. Tak penah skali rasa tak puas hati dihamburkan kepada aku. Jujur aku cakap, dengan merekalah aku menjadi diri aku yang sebenar,lebih2 lagi dengan abbas dan kerol (maaf,masih lg ada perasaan takut utk berkawan dengan perempuan). Malah aku tau,abbas dan kerol turut sama menyedari yang aku kurang rapat dengan coursemate perempuan yang lain. Dan kini, kami semua dah terpisah atas urusan masa depan masing-masing. But i do treasure this friendship very much. I really do. Di Kulim,aku masih lagi sendiri. Meneruskan hari2 aku tanpa sahabat disisi. Aku dapat rasakan yang social life aku semakin teruk. Aku tak pernah keluar berseronok dengan sesiapa disini, tak pernah keluar makan dengan sesiapa dan tak pernah shopping bertemankan sesiapa. Weekend, aku akan balik ke kampung atau terperap dalam rumah sewa aku. Aku taktau sampai bila perkara ni harus berterusan.


Aku ingin memohon maaf kepada sesiapa sahaja yang terasa tatkala membaca luahan hati aku ini. Aku masih lagi dalam proses membaiki diri. Dan aku mohon sangat memahami keadaan aku andaikata aku seringkali cuba menjauhkan diri atau tak pandai beramah mesra dengan mereka yang baru aku kenali. Terpulang nak percaya atau tidak dan bukanlah niat aku untuk meraih simpati atau apa sahaja. My heart and my trust have broken into many pieces, i need time to mend those little pieces and recover myself. I'm sorry.





28th May 2012
4.36 PM